Vampire movies du jour
As you may or may not have noticed, depending on whether you actually read my blog (and, I've noticed, alot of people have been going through it quite thoroughly lately), I enjoy the cinema. In particular, I enjoy vampire flicks (to read some prior reviews, check out my fun-time entertainment guide).
Recently, I've been able to take in a couple of the new films in the genre, and while I'm eagerly awaiting my next medication binge, I thought I'd critique them for you.
Van Helsing
I got to watch Van Helsing while I was ill. I originally had wanted to see it in the theater, but there are certain movies that you see with certain people. Spanglish was one that I was planning to see with my wife. Why? Well, it's an odd one. Sandler flicks are usually to be seen with the guys, but this is one of those Sandler flicks where he's trying to show that he can act. Which makes it a chick-ish flick, since his acting turns always revolve around some poor romantic-schlub role. The reason I had to emphasize the word "planning" is because my wife used my bed-riddenness as an excuse to see Spanglish with another chick, forcing me to wallow. I mean, I only have the one wife (that I'll tell all you about, anyway) and so I'm relegated to seeing it alone while she's out of town, tricking one of the guys into it, or waiting for it to come out on Netflix.
But, anyway, Van Helsing is the other kind of movie -- a guy film. Except most of my buddies didn't really want to see it. I'm convinced that they didn't want to see it in the same way that I didn't want to, which is to say that they did but they were afraid that going to a Hugh Jackman-led film might make them gay. Some guys are just too good looking, Jackman being one of them, for anyone to buy that you are watching them for their acting skill.
So, I didn't want to see it, which is to say I did, and the only reason I did is because it's a vampire flick. So, with my disease riddling my still-warm corpse, I cozied up with my laptop in bed and watched Van Helsing, which finally arrived courtesy of Netflix.
Van Helsing, to put it concisely, sucked. The story follows a newer, braver Van Helsing from the old bespectacled doctor-type of the Nosferatu days as he goes around battling a who's-who of evil. Among the menagerie he fights (at times against, at times for, and at times as) are Mr. Hyde (of Jekyll and Hyde fame), Frankenstein's monster, Werewolves, and Dracula. There is a hint that Van Helsing is an immortal thrown in, to, which seems to remove much of the danger and peril from his fight scenes.
The only real reason to watch is Kate Beckinsale. I swear to God, I love her in everything. I mean, look at the list. Much Ado About Nothing; Serendipity; that abomination with Ben Affleck on Pearl Harbor; Underworld (one of the finer vampire flicks, mind you)... Don't tell my wife, but if I weren't married to her, and Kate Beckinsale weren't married to whomever she's hitched to, and I was much more handsome, and we met somewhere and I told a funny joke that launched a romance, and so on and so forth, well, man, she'd be mine all mine.
Since none of that worked out that way, I watched Van Helsing, admired Kate Beckinsale's bad acting, rolled my eyes at the ludicrous plot, and took a nap after I was done. On a scale of 1-5 stars, Van Helsing gets 2, and one star is because Kate Beckinsale was in it. The other is because it's only a 1-5 scale, so I couldn't give a zero.
Blade: Trinity
As I noted in my last diatribe on vampire flicks, the Blade films are high on my list, so when I heard this one was coming out, I couldn't wait to get to it.
And, so, I did.
First thing I noticed is that Whistler (Kris Kristoferson) was alive, which I thought was odd, since I was sure they killed him off in the last one. Regardless, they killed him again early in this one, which was a good move. Because the only good Kris Kristoferson is a dead one.
Anyway, the third installment of the Blade trilogy sucked, too, but it was a better suckage than Van Helsing, so I'll give it some run.
In this film, Blade goes up against the big bad himself, Dracula (aka Drake, because noone can take themselves seriously being called Dracula in 2004). On the way, the afore-mentioned happy slaughter of Whistler occurs, followed by Blade's discovery of Whistler's secret daughter (the naughty-hot Jessica Biel, a virtual tour-de-force of minimalist acting), her partner in crime Van Wilder (played, coincidentally, by the guy who played Van Wilder the first time he was a movie character), and an ipod mini, much like the one my wife is getting for Christmas, except not so cute.
I was delighted to find that this movie also starred a fraction of the cast of Christopher Guest's A Mighty Wind, including John Michael Higgins (who's best work still remains his portrayal of David Letterman in The Late Shift, unless you liked his uncredited work as one of the evil aliens in Halo 2, the video game...is there anything IMDB doesn't know?) and Parker Posey, who never really delivered on the promise she showed in Dazed and Confused, if you ask me). And, to round things out, everyone's favorite WWE wrestler who isn't The Rock, Hulk Hogan, or Rowdy Roddy Piper (who's that leave? That's right, Triple H!) plays the big, dumb vampire flavor of the month.
Anyway, as you can guess, noone we care for dies (that's right, we all hate Whistler), Dracula dies, Parker Posey dies. Good triumphs over evil. At least there are a couple of good fight scenes (though not what you'd expect after seeing former Blade movies), but in the end this one feels like it's mailed in. Especially when Blade actually talks like a stereotypical angry black dude, which is a departure from the character that just can't be forgiven.
Blade: Trinity: 3 stars. And it should've been called "Van Wilder's Night on the Town".
Anyway, thanks to all my well-wishers (all two of you) who've dropped me supportive notes in the last day or two. I appreciate it greatly.
Catch ya later.
Recently, I've been able to take in a couple of the new films in the genre, and while I'm eagerly awaiting my next medication binge, I thought I'd critique them for you.
Van Helsing
I got to watch Van Helsing while I was ill. I originally had wanted to see it in the theater, but there are certain movies that you see with certain people. Spanglish was one that I was planning to see with my wife. Why? Well, it's an odd one. Sandler flicks are usually to be seen with the guys, but this is one of those Sandler flicks where he's trying to show that he can act. Which makes it a chick-ish flick, since his acting turns always revolve around some poor romantic-schlub role. The reason I had to emphasize the word "planning" is because my wife used my bed-riddenness as an excuse to see Spanglish with another chick, forcing me to wallow. I mean, I only have the one wife (that I'll tell all you about, anyway) and so I'm relegated to seeing it alone while she's out of town, tricking one of the guys into it, or waiting for it to come out on Netflix.
But, anyway, Van Helsing is the other kind of movie -- a guy film. Except most of my buddies didn't really want to see it. I'm convinced that they didn't want to see it in the same way that I didn't want to, which is to say that they did but they were afraid that going to a Hugh Jackman-led film might make them gay. Some guys are just too good looking, Jackman being one of them, for anyone to buy that you are watching them for their acting skill.
So, I didn't want to see it, which is to say I did, and the only reason I did is because it's a vampire flick. So, with my disease riddling my still-warm corpse, I cozied up with my laptop in bed and watched Van Helsing, which finally arrived courtesy of Netflix.
Van Helsing, to put it concisely, sucked. The story follows a newer, braver Van Helsing from the old bespectacled doctor-type of the Nosferatu days as he goes around battling a who's-who of evil. Among the menagerie he fights (at times against, at times for, and at times as) are Mr. Hyde (of Jekyll and Hyde fame), Frankenstein's monster, Werewolves, and Dracula. There is a hint that Van Helsing is an immortal thrown in, to, which seems to remove much of the danger and peril from his fight scenes.
The only real reason to watch is Kate Beckinsale. I swear to God, I love her in everything. I mean, look at the list. Much Ado About Nothing; Serendipity; that abomination with Ben Affleck on Pearl Harbor; Underworld (one of the finer vampire flicks, mind you)... Don't tell my wife, but if I weren't married to her, and Kate Beckinsale weren't married to whomever she's hitched to, and I was much more handsome, and we met somewhere and I told a funny joke that launched a romance, and so on and so forth, well, man, she'd be mine all mine.
Since none of that worked out that way, I watched Van Helsing, admired Kate Beckinsale's bad acting, rolled my eyes at the ludicrous plot, and took a nap after I was done. On a scale of 1-5 stars, Van Helsing gets 2, and one star is because Kate Beckinsale was in it. The other is because it's only a 1-5 scale, so I couldn't give a zero.
Blade: Trinity
As I noted in my last diatribe on vampire flicks, the Blade films are high on my list, so when I heard this one was coming out, I couldn't wait to get to it.
And, so, I did.
First thing I noticed is that Whistler (Kris Kristoferson) was alive, which I thought was odd, since I was sure they killed him off in the last one. Regardless, they killed him again early in this one, which was a good move. Because the only good Kris Kristoferson is a dead one.
Anyway, the third installment of the Blade trilogy sucked, too, but it was a better suckage than Van Helsing, so I'll give it some run.
In this film, Blade goes up against the big bad himself, Dracula (aka Drake, because noone can take themselves seriously being called Dracula in 2004). On the way, the afore-mentioned happy slaughter of Whistler occurs, followed by Blade's discovery of Whistler's secret daughter (the naughty-hot Jessica Biel, a virtual tour-de-force of minimalist acting), her partner in crime Van Wilder (played, coincidentally, by the guy who played Van Wilder the first time he was a movie character), and an ipod mini, much like the one my wife is getting for Christmas, except not so cute.
I was delighted to find that this movie also starred a fraction of the cast of Christopher Guest's A Mighty Wind, including John Michael Higgins (who's best work still remains his portrayal of David Letterman in The Late Shift, unless you liked his uncredited work as one of the evil aliens in Halo 2, the video game...is there anything IMDB doesn't know?) and Parker Posey, who never really delivered on the promise she showed in Dazed and Confused, if you ask me). And, to round things out, everyone's favorite WWE wrestler who isn't The Rock, Hulk Hogan, or Rowdy Roddy Piper (who's that leave? That's right, Triple H!) plays the big, dumb vampire flavor of the month.
Anyway, as you can guess, noone we care for dies (that's right, we all hate Whistler), Dracula dies, Parker Posey dies. Good triumphs over evil. At least there are a couple of good fight scenes (though not what you'd expect after seeing former Blade movies), but in the end this one feels like it's mailed in. Especially when Blade actually talks like a stereotypical angry black dude, which is a departure from the character that just can't be forgiven.
Blade: Trinity: 3 stars. And it should've been called "Van Wilder's Night on the Town".
Anyway, thanks to all my well-wishers (all two of you) who've dropped me supportive notes in the last day or two. I appreciate it greatly.
Catch ya later.
posted by Rusty at 7:43 PM
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